i could never take the place of your man
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "OCTOBOT" journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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01:05 am
[Link] | so i'm posting meaningless surveys on here to avoid real life...
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
i don't want to face the fact that i'm sick.
that's about it. so yeah. stupid internet surveys, here i come.
i am overwhelmed. i wish my father was here. i wish jaime was in ohio.
i have wonderful friends. i am not unhappy. i just can't understand why i have to be so sick and why it wont go away. i can't comprehend this shit.
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10:07 pm
[Link] | see i already posted this on dumb myspace, i'm putting it on here more so i can read it in 2 years and make fun of myself. please ignore.
i'm erasing the dumbest of the dumb questions. still dumb though...
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
no one, actually. days best spent by my goddamn self. gonna spend 2+ hours with cash and co. tonight i b'lieve.
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
-evading mountain lions and centipedes once again for a week! seriously though, that place is awesome.
-the hugeass dinner i'm gonna get tonight from woody&joes
-tattoos
-returning to the vacation destination
8. What was the last text message you received?
it says "postage goes up tomorrow". that's some good gossip...
10. Would you rather call or text?
i hate talking. there are a few exceptions. people who i can't impress because they already know i'm an idiot. etc.
11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
hmmmm. i think i was at home bein fancy
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
1 dating, 1 dead
13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
30 seconds ago. she has a computer here and i dont have to fight over it with a billion dudes like at home...
14. What color are your eyes?
lazy
16. What are you wearing right now?
short shorts and a cut off shirt with a skull on it.
18. Where is your favorite place to be?
there are several:
-my bed.
-the eel river by covelo, CA
-the tree farm in minnesota
-flagstaff is always nice
-at a really really good show
-andalucia
-camping
-hot tubs!
-hocking hills
-jacks/bourbon with my dudes
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
an open casket funeral
22. Do you tan or burn?
burn then peel then tan
23. What did you fear as a child?
centipedes. being alone in the dark. vampires (i figured that one out though.)
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
some internet bullshit, no doubt
26. How big is your bed?
there are two mattresses. when there are 2 of us, we put them next to each other and make the big shitty bed and cover it with comforters and stuff. it's just me right now so i stacked them so it's a single.
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
this is dependent on many factors.
*11 stupid questions were erased here*
39. Are you a social person?
that really depends on a lot.
40. What was the last thing you ate?
tofu burrito......... hmmmm. before that i ate almost an entire pineapple.
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
i don't like water. i like juice.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
yes
53. Do you like to cuddle?
busted.
61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
definitely
*these questions are getting fucking stupider and stupider*
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
leavin town. i'd say lookin hot but i can do that for FREE
67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
i got some earrings that don't come out. i have a necklace i wear a lot but i don't want anything to happen to it so i'm careful.
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
jimmy gave me a bear! and ada the zombie-doll. jaime hates her.
74. What red object is closest to you right now?
a paprika box, but it's not the good smoked spanish kind.
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
when i was little it HAD TO BE CLOSED seriously. now, it doesn't close because there is a pile of crap there.
85. What was the last book you read?
i read this story today that my friend atari wrote that was really good. i'm bout to buy this super nerdy book. i can't tell you which one. it's a secret.
89. what do you fear most?
being alone/mountain lion attacks.
90. Do you dance in the car?
YES
92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
i got some wallet pics... me & jaime bein cute.
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
directions to half priced books because i have to buy a book RIGHT NOW
94. What is your favorite candle scent?
THE HELL!
99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
6 weeks, with a couple motels thrown in there.
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03:06 am
[Link] | dear long abandoned journal,
i am still here.
things are good and bad and good and bad.
in california we saw crazy mountain lion tracks and a COMPLETELY destroyed deer carcass on a little delta in a river. the sand was very soft.
i got diagnosed with some dumb disease that nobody has ANY information about, but all of you already know that. i dont know why i'm writing any of this really. probably for personal record purposes. i read my entry from prom night the other day, that was CRAZY!
i have been talking to jaime a lot since he's been gone and that is wonderful.
my hair is bigger and grosser!!!! i wish i had pictures of me from like the last 4 months. on the computer. but i goddamn don't.
i made lots of good lady-friends lately. that's nice. i love my ladies.
love + rockets
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09:01 pm
[Link] | 1. Where is your cell phone? scanner 2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? super 3. Your hair? dirty 4. Your mother? vermont 5. Your father? not 6. Your favorite thing? food 7. Your dream last night? unknown 8. Your favorite drink? mango 9. Your dream car? goes 10. The room you're in? dark 11. Your ex? whatever 12. Your fears? lonely 13. What do you want to be in 10 years? happy 14. Who did you hang out with last night? friends 15. What you're not? awake 16. Muffins? chocolate 17. One of your wish list items? tattoo 18. Where you grew up? ohio 19. The last thing you did? napped 20. What are you wearing? gross 21. Your TV? upstairs 22. Your pet? meowgi 23. Your computer? here 24. Your life? meh 25. Your mood? meh 26. Missing? dead 27. What are you thinking about right now? dead 28. Your car? busted 29. Your work? aghhhhh 30. Your summer? hell 31. Like someone? course 32. Your favorite color? whatever 33. When is the last time you laughed? today 34. Last time you cried? yesterday 35. School? endless
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06:00 pm
[Link] | i haven't written anything on here in a long time.
i dont want to think to hard because i have a (no)caffeine-headache so i am going to do something stupid.
surveying
i took out the dumbest of the dumb questions
as follows:
1. How do you take your steak? the last time i had steak was at dave's with brad and dan several years ago and i couldn't poop for a week and it really hurt my stomach. AWESOME
3.Whats your favorite soda? obviously dr. pepper.
4. What was the most exciting thing to happen to you in the last month?
-getting another small drug company job and negotiating a raise with them
-barfing less
-enjoying my friends and family 's company. my roommates are still really entertaining. and that qualifies as exciting. although nobody has set themselves on fire lately (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)
5. Who was the last person to call you? brad
6. To text you? the rager
8. Do you still talk to your ex? yes i talk to my exs, but there is a certain amount of distance between myself and them. the distance feels good though.
10. Ever kiss anyone in your top friends? you mean like jaime?
11. What kind of underpants do you wear? i really like the girly shorts, with buttons going down the front. i made up a song about them
13. What's your favorite thing to do?
lately i have really enjoyed lying around watching movies / playing videogames / overeating ...winter.
17. Do you like to ski? i did once in middle school but i got a concussion.
18. Ever meet anyone famous? i went to church camp with justin sane. yeah, i know.
21. Who is your 5th contact in your cell's phone book? andy
23. Most hated food? chopped liver. pudding. raisins.
26. What are you worried about? i wonder if my mitochondria are working properly.
30. What do you smell like right now? b.o. and laundry detergent and gross cigarettes. ooooooooo
33. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? looking at my brother's facebook page.
34. What is something you want very badly at the moment? caffeine to be brought to me.
35. What is a pet peeve of yours? when my fingernails get too long and i can't find clippers i fucking hate it.
36. Last thing you ate today? i dont know exactly but it was at joy's village and it was awesome.
37. What are you doing today? going to my mom's to retrieve carrot cake, eating it for dinner.
43. Do you have a hidden stash of candy somewhere? i was going to type no then i located my whopper pie at the back of the freezer, which counts. oreo crust + cool whip + vanilla icecream + whoppers....
48. What will you be doing in 2 hours? hopefully watching a movie.
49. Recently done anything you regret? i ate too much last night and my stomach hurt.
54. What exactly are you wearing right now? sneakers jaime bought me, jeans with a momento mori patch because i fell and tore a big hole in the knee, my least favorite pair of underwear, a purple tanktop with a black sweater over it, my horrible bra, my coat with buttons over the cigarette burns. head scarf.
55. What is your current problem? that i can't seem to stop eating, and that my grad application is due in 14 days and i haven't written my statement of purpose because i don't know what my purpose is or how to go about lying about it.
60. Name something that's really annoying you. i'm always so goddamn broke.
002. nickname → becca, bean, muscles (?)
010. hair color - blond
011. long or short → dangerous!
017. do you have a crush on someone → do you mean the man who lives in my room?
020. tattoos → yar
022. first surgery → eyeball
026. first sport you joined → ballet! (did you see that one coming?)
029. first concert → iggy pop
039. first crush → brian woodard
049. eating → goddamn oreo pie
052. i'm about to → sleep
053. listening to → me typing
058. want kids? → if the time is right
059. want to get married?→ if it feels right
have you:
082. broken any bones → mine knuckle, i believe
084. broken somone's heart → rumor has it
086. turned someone down → oh yes. strange how these things fade when you are happy.
100. do you believe in GOD? not in any traditional sense but i believe in the strength of human love.
oooooh TOO CHEESY!
2. Do you get along with your parent(s) mas o menos
3. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? nope
1. Write on your hand? yeah it says WEDNESDAY RACHEL really big
2. Call people back? depends
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed? it's actually two mattresses pushed together, i have the left one.
2. Sprained stuff? no sprains, healthy bean.
4. Gotten stitches?: yep
Who/What was the last
1. Movie you saw? we've been watching carnival
4. Thing you touched? okay this is OFFICIALLY the dumbest question i have yet to come across. i'm TYPING this on a COMPUTER.
6. Thing you said? i forget but i know i laughed because randy was talking about how tucker is going to fall out of the van some day and die because he doesn't know how to sit properly in the seat.
2. Never in my life have I... pooped in a sink. but i saw poop in the sink at the bp bathroom next to goodale park. it was a huge poop too.
7. If I were to get married right now my maid of honor/best man would be...my brother, maid of honor
8. My hair is...disgusting
11. I should be...doing so many things that aren't this.
14. If I were a character on 'Friends' I'd be...killing myself
15. By this time next year... okay for a second this question just scared the living shit out of me then i blocked it out.
16. I have a hard time understanding...how people find time to do so many things in the morning.
18. You know I like you when...i return your phone call
21. My ideal breakfast...ribs
22. If you visited the place I was born...you wouldn't. that was so 3 years ago. (bloomington.)
24. If you spend the night at my house... you would would probably either be in a band, or be doing one of my roommates (franz i know you fuck tucker)
28. Most recent thing I've bought myself...i got a snack out of the snack machine before class.
43. What I really want for Valentine's Day is...kissin
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01:42 am
[Link] |
found on craigslist columbus personals..
DeSales jailbait at the DMV in Westerville around 4pm - m4w - 25
Reply to: pers-251700480@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-20, 6:38PM EST
The uniforms are hot.
On the Astral Plane - m4w
Reply to: pers-253487181@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-26, 6:22AM EST
We crossed paths on the Astral Plane. You pass for "new age" but secretly, you are a witch. A good witch, of course...
Got Nipples? - m4w
Reply to: pers-256062237@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-01, 2:32PM EST
Of course you do.
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11:43 pm
[Link] | mmmmmmhmmmmmm
what's new?
all sorts of things.
i'm so lax about writing in this now, it seems like most of my writing energy is directed into studying, or if it makes it to a journal it's a (real) private one!
jaime gave me a digible camera for xmas so i can post PICTURES now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!omg.
and it's a snazzy camera at that. i just need to get some new batteries and hook up the softwarestuff. YAY!
shows keep getting canceled. that SUCKS. no black dove, no t-tops tonight. etc etc etc.
i'm stressed about upcoming spanish exams that i'm not even SORT OF ready for since i cannot speak in any tense effectively except the present and i have no real conception of when to use articles like lo or se or whatthefuckever. i have learned so many times but my brain is a goddamn sieve when it comes to retaining information.
i'm actualyl seeing the doctor about something involving that, the past year or so i've started to have a major problem with face recognition. as in, i dont always recognize even those i love very much. it could just be from certain medications/procedures i've undergone.
anyway. sorry i keep blathering about medical things. this is like my one safe spot to do that, you know?
if you are reading this, you already know, i finally put my music onto the internet. that is good.
que mas?
i have a tattoo appt tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!holyshit.
it's a picture from where the wild things are.
gonna be on my chest.
i have been planning this for years, and it has only been reinforced by the millions of times my friends have said "that's my favorite kids book" or they make me watch the wild things movie or what ever.
and YES other people have those tattoos, but i will just hunt them down and either kill them or remove their tattoos with a razor, until I AM THE ONLY ONE!
it is SO QUIET in here.
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12:04 am
[Link] | dude this journal is fuckin whiny and stupid.
whatever.
i have a goddamn headache from goddamn wine.
i'm sorry i bitch so much about medical stuff. i thought that maybe if i did it online i'd shut-the-fuck-up about it in real life, but that hasnt really worked out.
ANYWAY.
going back to school in a few days, gonna transfer classes to grad school.
vaguely worried about grad school, money issues, moving in general.
getting tattooed on january 2!!!!!!!!!!!!
um
i havent wanted to hang out with anyone lately, really. except the people i live with, and my family.
stupid christmas. it's not that i hate everybody REALLY, it's just that i think i do right now.
i get cranky.
right around now every year is when my mom suddenly really registers the fact that my dad aint here and she really flips out about it, which makes me bitchy, because it hits me too, plus i feel really bad for her. yargh.
it's been really quiet aroudn the legion which is weird. probably because tucker's gone.
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09:06 pm
[Link] | derrrjurnal,
it's been awhile, huh?
hmmmm.
well, as per usual i've been sick.
also, jaime is home and safe, and that naturally absorbs lots of my time.
he is wonderful as ever.
also i think i havent written because i finally got a REAL journal, like the pen and paper kind, not the "whine on the internet" kind that i became so accustomed to.
i am leaving for detroit tomorrow to give a talk to the drug company about being sick all the time. silly, but it's good money. and what's even better is this could lead to more opportunities to make money.
also i'm finally recording again at my friend john's studio, on friday. i'm really excited.
i'm vaguely looking for christmas presents, but i decided not to think too hard about that this year.
i havent been working much.
my mom is giving me (and thus the legion) guitar hero II for x-mas... HOLY SHIT.
the gas is off here. thermo reads 41degrees. boo.
i got an endoscopy today, they found some irritations in my tummy and biopsied it, i should have the results rather soon. unlikely that it's any abnormal cell growth i.e. cancer, more likely that it's heliobacter pylori back for another visit... or perhaps it never left. guests that over-stay their welcome. still, i find myself worrying about the worst. i know it's unlikely, but given mine and my family's history.. i just worry. i'm a pussy.
looks like i'm still a little drugged from the demoral.
you know what, i'm just going to fuckign bitch, this is my journal and i can complain.
in the past 3 months i've had
heart surgery.
an attempted endoscopy.
a succesful endoscopy.
a manic episode.
2 depressed episodes.
asthma attack leading to the emergency room.
2 cases of bronchitis.
several unmentionable problems that i dont want to get into, save to say i want to be FUCKING AMPUTATED AT THE BELLYBUTTON, GET RID OF EVERYTHIGN BELOW IT.
i've been on at least 4 courses of antibiotics.
vomiting a minimum of 3 times a week, every week, sometimes vomiting blood.
i've lost 13 pounds and it's still falling.
i fainted and possibly had a seizure.
i'm dizzy a lot.
i poop blood.
this just sucks. i'm sick. i dont like it. i cant work, i am always tired.
otherwise, i'm happy.
getting ready for grad school.
taking classes.
spending time with my roommates.
and my mother.
and my brother.
and jaime.
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08:57 pm
[Link] | i am fucking miserable and confused. i fucking hate everything.
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